Positive Parenting: How Can It Help?
In the early 1990s, Alfred Adler studied human psychology and declared that “Children deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.” I guess that was new for the time. Adler, along with Rudolf Dreikers, also argued that parents shouldn’t spoil or coddle kids either and created the idea that parents should be “compassionate” and “firm.” I guess a little yin and yang never hurt anybody?
This parenting approach, dubbed “positive parenting,” is something I’m going to try in hopes that it helps both myself and my child. Because all moms need some help! Especially when we tend to throw our own tantrums from time to time.
“Positive Parenting is a philosophy rooted in connection. It isn’t a method of discipline, but an entirely different way of relating to children that allows us to maintain a strong relationship with them through the ages and stages of childhood while still raising kind and responsible people,” says Rebecca Eanes, author of “Positive Parenting — An Essential Guide.” She adds,”Research has consistently shown that authoritative parenting has the best outcome. Positive parenting falls within an authoritative style but we set limits and expectations and also validate our children’s feelings and are loving and warm.”
This parenting method sounds like it’s more about being positive with your child, as opposed to controlling your moods. It also is about disciplining through teaching rather than punishment.
Eanes says, “We focus on solutions, not retributions. Natural and logical consequences may be part of the solution. For example, if my child threw a ball inside and broke a vase, part of the solution may be that he works for the money to replace the vase. The goal is not to “make him pay” in the sense of feeling bad about himself, but to give him an opportunity to correct his mistake and make amends.”
I could have used some positive parenting help on this rainy, home-bound day when my toddler went into hysterics every time I tried to turn off the tube and “made me” give him butter cookies for dinner. But maybe rainy days are for overdosing on TV and being a pushover parent? Probably not.
Here are five ways Eanes suggests you use positive parenting techniques at home:
1. Replace time-out with time-in.
This is where instead of isolating the child and withdrawing attention, you bring him or her into your lap or into a calming space. Help your child regulate their emotions by showing them how to calm themselves when upset. You can try coloring, squeezing play-dough-filled balloons or simply a hug. Once your child is calm, discuss how he or she could have handled the situation better and teach them positive solutions.
2. Offer a positive alternative.
Many times, what we see as misbehavior is just normal exploration and learning, such as trying to scale the shelves, jumping on the couch and throwing food. There needs to be boundaries to keep the child safe. But rather than scold and punish the child, we can understand that developmentally, children aren’t calculating ways to drive us mad — they are simply being children. Therefore, we can offer a positive alternative. “You can’t jump on the couch but we can pull a cushion onto the floor.”
3. Let your child choose the consequence.
I don’t mean they get to choose between going to bed early or losing the iPad. Those are punishments. I mean putting the responsibility on the child to right her wrong and empowering her to make amends. This helps children focus on how their behavior affects themselves and others. For example, a solutions-oriented discussion about how she called her sister a hurtful name might include three possibilities: writing a sorry note, a verbal apology or choosing to do something nice for her sister that day. Whichever option she chooses is going to be more valuable than a 5-minute time-out.
4. Set up a calm-down area in your home filled with pleasant and engaging items for your child.
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My calm-down area had a few pillows, a blanket, a box of coloring books with crayons and a calm-down glitter jar. Yours might include books, stuffed animals, stress balls or stickers. Teach your child to go to this space when he’s feeling frustrated, angry or upset. You can go with him the first few times if he needs, but I’ve found that most kids will start to go to the calming space by themselves as they really enjoy it. This is a great solution for teaching self-regulation.
5. The peace table is a Montessori method of conflict resolution.
If you don’t have a small table, use a rug. Each child gets a chance to state their case and the parent walks them through to a peaceful resolution and then sees that it is carried through. Typically, a feather or some other object is used. When one child holds the feather, it means it is their turn to talk and the other(s) must listen. Then they pass the feather. After a few practices, my children were able to work through their own disagreements without assistance.
Not sure our parents and grandparents would sign on as a positive parent, but times are changing. And in regards to those cookies and the extra TV time today, Eanes tells me that either way you go about it, he’s going to be upset at first. He wants the TV and cookies, and it’ll take some time getting used to the boundaries. She tells me to empathize with his upset by saying “I hear that you’re upset,” but continue to stick with it.
“Empathy. Warmth. Hold boundary. It gets easier,” she says. Wish me luck!